Trauma is a monster of a battle. Hundreds if not thousands of factors led to where you are right now. A lot of them out of your control.
Forgive yourself first; it is not your fault that you struggle. You are already here, trying to get better, and that in itself is a success.
Blaming and punishing yourself for natural slip ups and painful internal waves of fear and guilt and fixation — is rarely productive.
A lot of symptoms were coping mechanisms before. They helped you survive. Your brain is always trying to help you survive. At one point in life, some of the unhealthiest thoughts and behaviours of present day truly did help us — in some way or another, a long time ago. Not anymore though. It’s time to teach the brain that there’s a different future ahead — a better one — and to not hate it for doing the best it could in the past.
The past is the past now. And as difficult as the present is, showing yourself — even and especially the flawed parts — unconditional love and forgiveness whilst working to be better, is a kinder path to a better future.